We try to believe that we live in a world where courting doesn’t exist, but the truth is, it still does. People are trying to show their best self to their potential mate and included in that is the expression of effort. How much do you really want that person? Remember the first few dates when a guy brought you to that nice new restaurant and then got you tickets to see your favorite band? It doesn’t even have to be such superficial stuff. Maybe it was just the way he texted you cute emoji’s that he was thinking of you throughout the day and wanted to make sure that he would be able to see you again soon. Or maybe he called you every other day just to say hi, not just when something was wrong or to coordinate plans. You were in the dating phase, and all is not secure at that point. It’s exciting and uncertain! HAPPY SECURITY OR BORING ROUTINE?
For some couples it takes weeks and others months to establish a norm and routine. You start to expect to see that person every other day or to be invited to weekend outings that take him out of town. You know he’s happy to see you and wants to spend time with you. Then…you’re his girlfriend. Week one after that’s established he pulls you close and can’t get enough of you. It’s still so exciting! Then, slowly (and surprisingly for many, not so slowly) reunions become a little less dramatic and goodbyes a little less disappointing. Texts and calls a little less frequent and his passive expression of affection on Facebook becomes a little more subtle. If this is a consistent issue, then I suggest you either look at the data (how is he being different behaviorally) and trust it if it comes in themes. If big picture, he’s giving less than half what he used to, it may mean that he’s not as into you. If so, trust me gals, you want to know. No need to waste time on someone who is not your match. So bring it up. Elephants in the room are meant to be pointed out in mature relationships.
There is however another possibility. He has strong feelings for you and he just doesn’t think he has to constantly express it in little ways. That’s not such a bad thing if that’s what you’re dealing with. It just may indicate that you need to renegotiate what you both expect in terms of needs and wants in a relationship (amount of communication, time together, affection). The feelings are truly what matters! But to keep them growing behaviors can’t be stagnant or your relationship will be.
DON’T BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED, AND DON’T TAKE FOR GRANTED!
It takes a long time to get to know a person. Like, really really know a person. In those early dates the questions are there, the curiosity is there. You are both sizing one another up. Mistakes that couples often make though are to stop trying, stop courting, stop trying to size the person up and see if they continue to be a match as you each continue to grow. Just because the label of a relationship has been established, it doesn’t mean that you should stop with the questions, stop with the courting. People sometimes use the idea of security (“She likes me, I guess we are a thing now. Done.”) to decide to stop doing things they used to do for one another. Security is a wonderful thing. It means you shouldn’t have to play games to get another person’s affection. They shouldn’t only reach out to you when they think you’re pulling away or gauge a little bit of uncertainty or distance on your part. Feelings should grow for one another if you’re in a relationship, not depreciate. Affection (think back to the early stages of your relationship if you can’t quite recall what that is) should increase as feelings increase. It’s a mistake to think that just because you’ve established that you have feelings, that you should just take that as a known. It’s not just him, either. Be sure to model the things you expect in a relationship by giving them as well. Continue to date your partner in new creative ways for as long as the relationship lasts!
For some couples it takes weeks and others months to establish a norm and routine. You start to expect to see that person every other day or to be invited to weekend outings that take him out of town. You know he’s happy to see you and wants to spend time with you. Then…you’re his girlfriend. Week one after that’s established he pulls you close and can’t get enough of you. It’s still so exciting! Then, slowly (and surprisingly for many, not so slowly) reunions become a little less dramatic and goodbyes a little less disappointing. Texts and calls a little less frequent and his passive expression of affection on Facebook becomes a little more subtle. If this is a consistent issue, then I suggest you either look at the data (how is he being different behaviorally) and trust it if it comes in themes. If big picture, he’s giving less than half what he used to, it may mean that he’s not as into you. If so, trust me gals, you want to know. No need to waste time on someone who is not your match. So bring it up. Elephants in the room are meant to be pointed out in mature relationships.
There is however another possibility. He has strong feelings for you and he just doesn’t think he has to constantly express it in little ways. That’s not such a bad thing if that’s what you’re dealing with. It just may indicate that you need to renegotiate what you both expect in terms of needs and wants in a relationship (amount of communication, time together, affection). The feelings are truly what matters! But to keep them growing behaviors can’t be stagnant or your relationship will be.